vows

I am sitting just here and dreaming about my vows to you. I see myself sharing them to you and having no one to witness it. Just you and me. There is no wedding. No marriage. Just the vows.

In my vows I wish to share how you can be a pain in the ass. How sometimes you are a total douchbag if not an asshole. And yet I never stop loving you. You once shared your view about how this world functions on a binary mode while it does not have to be. I knew you were right because I experienced it. With you. I can curse and hate you sometimes and yet I never stopped loving you. Part of the relationship may have stopped and I made the decision to move on, to be open to love someone else, and yet I found out that forcing myself to stop loving you was more damaging and painful than just accepting that alongside I love you. I still remember the torture I caused myself while trying to stop loving you. It was doomed to fail and the day I acknowledged that I couldn't suppress anymore how I felt, I remember the instant relief and the sense of peace, which was overwhelming. Just recalling it and the emotion is there. That very moment I offered myself one of the most precious gifts: allowing me to love you whatever happens and as long as my heart wants to. Providing my heart that freedom was the unlocking of a deep secret door, which existence I did not even supect. It opened up a whole new world to me.

Selfishly the most I love about loving you is me. Each time I love you, despite everything, I fall in love with myself some more. The best about my love for you is not you, is me. You are not the one. You are the vehicle that allowed me to fall in love with myself. Finally. You are a pain in the ass but everytime you do, I get to choose and I have the opportunity to expand my love for you. And ultimately for me. It works because beyond your actions, my heart resonates to yours. You want the best for me. As much as I want the best for you.

Part of me still dreams that one day we might stop being stupid and truly fully experience the potential we are. That is the world of possibilites. Right now, I am present to what we already have: you in my life, my feelings for you, my heart resonating to your being. And I feel blessed. Deep down, I don't care if in this world we are together or not because in my inner world you already are. Through you I found my love to you, to me and to others. You are part of my equation. This is beyond a vow. I can't name it because there is no name for it. It just is.

(picture provided by pixabay; author: FeeLoona)

#madness #love #ego #emotions