The comfort zone, that coffin of mine

How often do I complain about my struggle of not being able to change my situation, the way others react to me, the outside world...? Way too often.

The thing is that I know better by now. I know that the change that is not happening and that I keep pointing at needs to happen through me. First. And that is the most irritating thing. By now I know that and yet, nothing is happening. This knowing infuses some more my anger because I wish to be reckoned for my helplessness, for my struggle, for my trying, for my perseverance. I am, silently or not, screaming to the world that I wish to be recognized as a relentless warrior. Or is it a relentless victim?

The anger is about knowing that actually I am not moving. I am sitting at the same spot, doing noises, seeking attention. Just trying but actually not doing it. Not for real.

And why so?

While writing these words, I feel the anger growing and my stomach area tensioning. I feel the need to breath in and out heavier. The words are stuck in my throat.

Because I am comfortable. Because I tell myself I did so much already. Because part of me wishes to remain a bit longer in that spot. That part of me can't be fooled anymore. It knows that any further step taken is like the next level of Minecraft. New features, new tools, new friends, new worlds but also new difficultes, dangers, pitfalls.

What is happening, over and over again, is me being in a lovely little house in which I have been growing until it became too small. It is not comfortable anymore. I know it. Part of me keeps telling me that I need to move and find another house or build a new one. Because if I remain in this one, that lovely little house will become my cuffin.

My head sees the window to the outside world. I refuse to hear the urge to leave this little house behind. Instead, I begin to list all the nice features of the lovely little house. The amount of attaching memories I created here. By doing this, I delay once again the farewell. Instantly the cuffin is one inch tighter again but I keep my mind busy with the cheerful listing of good moments in my little house.

My comfort zone, the cuffin of mine.

My anger, the ally.

My eye, the knowing.

My salvation, the window....

And yet, still lying here.

(picture provided by Unsplash)

#truth #emotions #mind #ego #death