Nothing but dust and shadows

My heart aches. I feel you and yet you are not there. I still don't understand how our conversation about a document ended into questioning your role in my life. How it ended not only in not agreeing on that damn document, in not joining the project but me in being ejected from your life. Within minutes all was over.

Intellectually I see how lately we were both trapped in pouring bad energy to each other without providing enough good energy to compensate it, at least. But emotionally, I don't understand. I don't understand how all we have shared could just be wiped away like that. I don't understand how I could hurt you to the level of you feeling the need to exclude me.

I don't understand. And I feel helpless with this mind of mine which does not get it. It is useless. Because whatever it can think of, it will not be able to reply to the pain I am feeling. Whatever it may think now, it will never erase what has been done. It will not be able to annihilate the void.

You left me behind. You said you would ignore me. You are erasing me. You erased all the words you told me in the past. You mention my name to others as if nothing happened. As if you do not care.

I do. I miss you. I miss reading you. I miss seeing the sign that you are online on Whatsapp. I miss seeing "writing... ".

I miss you. What do I actually miss? Is it you or my ideal of you?

I could never have imagined that you would turn your back on me. Not like that. Not for this.

If only you would talk to me and tell me that did make you react. I would then feel your pain. I could then know how to respond to it.

I am so sorry. I did it all wrong. I assumed you were not working on yourself. I assumed you were letting those you love down. So I wanted to force you to see. Without actually asking you if you saw. Without asking you if you were working on yourself. If you were being supported. I judged you. Based on what I was seeing. Based on my limited perception.

I am sorry.

You blame my almighty ego. Maybe you are right and I just can't see. What I can see so far is that I did all I did believing I was doing the right thing. But I was wrong. So wrong.

I am so sorry. And I can feel as sorry as I want, it will change nothing. What has been done can't be undone.

I love you. I would give my life for you. In the past. Now. In this very moment. And yet I cannot pledge alliance to the man.

I hope one day you can see the difference there is in my world and be able to forgive me. I am just but a woman who loves you. Imperfectly. As well as my condition is. We are doomed to fail to achieve perfection and yet people like you wake the hunger for keeping trying. I pledge alliance to the striving. I pledge alliance to the values I discovered through you. I pledge alliance to the love you sourced in me.

I need you. And I don't. Because I believe you are with me. Always. As much as I am with you. Always. You are my soulmate. We can't be separated. Because there is no separation. There is only the illusion of separation.

We are nothing. Nothing but dust and shadows.

(picture provided by Pixabay; author: Hans)

#love #life #madness #ego #mind #emotions #pain